The period between 1am and 2am seem to have an effect on me. When it’s time for bed after a an exceptionally intense day—where I had to type in Chinese to communicate so much—my mind goes, you’re turning 34. And I go, “Where’s the handbrakes?!”
The Start of Midnight Musings—Hopefully Not The End After A Pilot
So I officially term this effect, midnight musings. When my mind chooses to let loose and unwind instead of shutting down. Since I’m awake still, might as well make the best of it to write, right?
4 Years Ago: Yes, I Was Once 30
I threw a birthday party. Would like to call it BIG but soon-to-be-34-me is saying it was a BIG waste of money. I probably dumped S$1000 or more on the party and booked some boutique hotel that apparently halved their suite side but didn’t change their photos on the website.
Think about what I could have done with the S$1000 now.
So I was 30, immature—maybe the other half of Jelly would say I am still immature—but definitely reckless and had a who-gives-a-damn-about-the-world attitude.
Until that unforgettable moment that I frequently mention to people who remember, that moment that seemed to have frozen in time during my 30th birthday bash. Yes, that moment where my petite mum, all of 1.5m tall—1.55m?—stood next to the queen bed in the hotel room, amidst the cacophony of voices competing for attention, TV, rustling of food bags and what not.
If we spoke, we would have fought. Our relationship has been strained for so long that I can’t remember how that came to be. But silence between us, is considered harmonious co-existence. And that was a good thing.
But all I remember, even till now, is that time stood still. All I see is my mum, even as I am typing away on my phone right now, standing there, watching what’s going on like an innocent bystander, unaware that I’m looking directly at her.
At that very moment, my heart ached. For once, it became painfully visible to me—for I’ve been so self-absorbed—that she has aged so much over the years.
That Moment Changed My Life, By Giving It A Nudge.
Earlier today, I stumbled out of my bedroom, looking disheveled. And the first thing I did, and had to do, is to go to the kitchen and look for Mum.
There she was, doing her chores. I greeted her good morning and she thought I had just woken up. It was already 12.30pm—but by now my mum is used to me being jet lagged.
I asked her if she’s cooking lunch or if she could buy me lunch, and her response was when do I want my lunch, and she will go get it.
And she would knock on my door to let me know before she headed out to get lunch… and then when she got back, she would let me know that lunch is ready!
Then we had lunch together and chatted for a bit.
It’s Always On Hindsight, But It’s Never Too Late
I feel so grateful. My mum had to risk her life to deliver me. I feel grateful not only because I’m alive, but I’m still alive because she gave me life.
And I’m grateful that I have finally mended our relationship and we can share a meal, chat and laugh together over trivial matters.
I’m grateful she showers me with so much love and attention like I’m 21 even though I’m turning 34.
Turning 34 And Pulling The Handbrakes
And the reason why I want to pull the handbrakes is so that I can catch up on all the time I’ve wasted and lost for not spending more time loving and caring my mummy.
Turning 34 for me, means 34 years of being my mum’s daughter. And without her, I would never be able to turn 34.
Dear mummy, I love you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you for giving me life, and everything you could have possibly given me. I love you.